Endings – Beginnings

Having spent last 3 days bringing the posts forward to Deersings blog, and quite a trip down memory lane in the preceeding years back to 2004, feeling nostalgic for what was and getting into the present now again.

Much has transpired since the last post of January 2011…. obviously.  It is now 2015 and counting it backwards,  we now live in a different geographic location now, we have downsized, we have added some years to our age, we have spent the past two years in grandparenting role of caregiving, adapting to our adult children’s parenting styles which vary greatly from the era in which we raised them, the era in which we were raised.

Counting back then two years puts us at 2013.  My husband had retired, our income reduced considerably, and we began the process of worrying about living into our older years, and living in a rural area that we began to feel might have resources too restrictive for our elder years concerns.   At that time my daughter had taken a promotion at her job, was heading into career and had new concerns about childcare for her children.  We offered, she took us up on our offer, we trekked across the state to be residing grandparents prepared to provide childcare.

How quickly we learned the difference in lifestyles.  Alternative for us was to take a private apartment, and care for the grandchildren there.  It worked for as long as we could afford to keep up the house mortgage and the apartment rent, and otherwise provide for our daily needs.   And just when we decided to call it quits and move back across the state to our own house, my husband revealed the struggles he had been having in keeping up with budgeting expenses for two residences.   Long discussions ensued, and we made the decision to relocate, moving our belongings out of our big old house to a smaller condo residence.

We are not anywhere done with the necessary work downsizing entails.  One side of our garage is filled to the ceiling with our possessions and belongings.  These are left from our initial efforts at lightening possessions we acquired at our house.    A U-haul sized dump load, then a truck dump load; a free take what you want, a basement full of books we wouldn’t be taking, and still we had the ultimate large size U-Haul, and a smaller size U-Haul moving trips to make.  Let’s just use the words post traumatic stress …. and leave it at that regarding leaving our home, our region, our belongings, and the effort that went into this move across the state.

Arthur birthday Aug 20, 2014 wedding ring

Now moving forward with our new circumstances, posts at this blog should reflect the new challenges before us as we shift gears and move into the unknown waters for us in the years ahead for us; as we watch what we thought we knew as a way of life evaporate among advances that don’t seem like advances at all to us, rather a speeding train in which we wish to get off and breathe a bit.

Still Smoke Free but Weigh Way More!

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Sept 2008 marked my 2nd year anniversary being smoke free after 40 years being a smoker. Quitting was not as difficult as my imagination told me it would be and I sure wish I had done it 20 years earlier or 30 years earlier or never started. But what is done is done.
I’m used to having a somewhat thin body, and the combination of going through menopause and quitting smoking around the same time has left me with weight I didn’t have even during my three preganancies. Horrors!
In my mind, I simply imagine doing some of the exercises I used to do as a young dancer (ballet, jazz, aerobics) and all will be well again. Well my imagination is active, but it is not getting the job done. What is it about aging that makes physical activity less agreeable and something I have to work at to make myself do….
I admit it, I’m struggling with this stage of my life. Much as I am trying to adapt, it is not going so well. My mind’s eye still embraces my young woman-ness, rejecting my middle age woman-ness. The mirror tells me a different story than my mind’s eye and there is internal disharmony. Until I get to a place of resolve and acceptance, my inner world continues to fight within itself.
I didn’t intend for this to be a woe is me blog post and I hope it doesn’t sound like it is. These are new challenges for me and while it is creating some chaos and confusion in my inner vision of my identity and self, they are nonetheless positive challenges. Embracing new challenges, finding new reasons to look at the blessings of life, living within the framework of a new identity as a middle-age woman — life is good.